Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
You Might Also Like
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.