Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
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The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.