Her: You’re so quiet.
Me: Thanks, you should try it.
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Story of my life…..
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”