Her: You’re so quiet.
Me: Thanks, you should try it.
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
tfw you realize …
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN