Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.