Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

#damn

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time