Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.