Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.