Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
You Might Also Like
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.