Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
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[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Saw your ex at the shops
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.