Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
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A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop