Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?