HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
You Might Also Like
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table