Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
New Tinder profile.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop