Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*