Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
You Might Also Like
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
The cashier just checked me out.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My blood type is b hungry.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.