Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
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I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
plums roundup
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip