Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys