The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You Might Also Like
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
wow
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON