Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers