Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
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2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?