Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
😜
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Yes
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶