Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

That’s commitment

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?