Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best spot.. 😅

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

dutch so unserious

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Sign of the day..

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”