Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules