Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn