Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
The first one, obviously
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?