Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.