Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?