Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.