Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

a god among men

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”