Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

I’m putting together a team

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.