Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.