‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
You Might Also Like
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I want what they have
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee