‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
You Might Also Like
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
#SuperBowl
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
how to exercise your calf muscles
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.