Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

oppen heimer style lol

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

LOL!