“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
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[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
