HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?