here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
they finally got him. they got macavity
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
