here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
The glory of fall.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
