here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
