Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

on da cob, we all corn

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”