Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Me when my alarm goes off

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Candles never taste the way they smell

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.