Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
President The Rock Obama
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock