Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Art by Pastelkatto
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
my first day as a raccoon
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife