Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
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If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.