Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
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the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Icarus loved hot wings.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.