Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
😩😩😩
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I throw rocks from my glass horse.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.