Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.

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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan


Coworker *parks Prius

Coworker 2 *locks bike up

Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!


what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways


My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.


[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me


After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.


I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!


Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?


Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?


“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????