@LaBelleMae

Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.

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@TweetingDadGuy

When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.

@WritePlay

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

@DanMentos

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*

*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

@Shwetangles

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

@HoldinCoffeeld

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

@Angibangie

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

@briangaar

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?