Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
just witnessed a drug deal
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
The pen is writier than the sword.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.