@stockejock
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
@LaBelleMae
Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.
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@stockejock
@MissMalbec
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
@unmehlievable
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
@ashtoochill
lmfao
@Jeffwni
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
@TheRobCee
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
@desiswaaag
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
@SkinnieTalls
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
@huntigula
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
@Angibangie
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
