Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
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This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Just how popey was the pope today?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Every haunted house movie:
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.