Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
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*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.