Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
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My Plans 2020
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My dad teaching me to drive
i want it utterly assaulted.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October