Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
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Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!