I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road