I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
man-ant: picnic’s over boys
ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run!
man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*
Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room
Obama: Joe be professional
Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.
All I’m saying is God wouldn’t have given me this wild hair if he didn’t want me to store stuff in it.
*baby hedgehog peaks out*
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it