Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
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men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom