Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
