Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
