Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
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*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
British websites use biscuits.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?