here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then