here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
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Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er