here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
You Might Also Like
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
The news in a nutshell.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
SF is the wild wild west man
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
How to draw a duck
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Social distancing in Australia:
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.