You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
You Might Also Like
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.