@yerpalmildsauce

Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

PRETENDACLES?”

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@AimeeHelene1

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

@craigrachel

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid

@stephenjmolloy

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

@_debbii3e

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

@jergarl

I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.

@PettyClegg

my boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting

@mattgallo123

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]