Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

so this horse walks into a bar

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.