“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Coffee is ready.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
peeping toms
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”