“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
(yawn)
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.