Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump