Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Baller is short for ballerina
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
This is true.
😂🤣😂🤣
