Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
