Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Ummm 😳
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Rooting for the overdog
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
The Friday File.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”