Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.