Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
You Might Also Like
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve