Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
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PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.